Today would have been Mom’s 85th birthday. It’s been five and a half years since her body finished its life here. I’ve mourned. I’ve remembered and memorialised. I know that she is always here with me – quite literally as half of my DNA and also in the way I move, think, and express myself.
I usually manage a comfortable level of acceptance and detachment. But her birthday is hitting me hard this year. I have big, sad feelings. Hmm…
Knowing that grief is going to do what it wants, despite any intentions I may have otherwise, I am leaning into the sadness today.
- I’m wearing one of her old sweaters. She once described it as feeling like a hug and it does.
- I pulled my hair into pigtails, which she used to do for me as a kid.
- I did, of course, write a To Do list for today. That is a useful habit she trained by example.
- For dinner I am making crab cakes, her favorite.
- There will also be lemon squares, which she always brought to parties and shared with neighbors.
- And though Mom rarely cried (her nursing career left her well able to control her emotions), I will let the tears flow as they will.
My lemon squares might be a little saltier than the recipe calls for. You can try them yourself – they are really good.
