I seem to have three mental modes: Hyper GSD; (Anti-)Social Butterfly; and Napping Hermit. Maybe it’s how I am all the time but I notice it more when Tod isn’t here. And this week, he is in Tokyo for work.
Hyper GSD
Getting Shit Done. I get a lot of big, heavy, or challenging projects done when Tod isn’t here. I take care of paperwork, or get my health check, or rearrange the house, or write a book.
It’s a two-fold phenomenon. With nobody else to rely on, I don’t procrastinate. Tod’s not going to make that scary red-tape Japanese phone call; so I do it as best I can. If I hoped for help with physical work but didn’t get it, I push through it alone while he is away.
And without the scheduling constraints of sharing meals or keeping house, I can switch my schedule around as much as I want in order to focus fully on thinking and writing and art. It’s very productive time.
This is my favorite of the three modes. Tod travels to the big city and I stay home to GSD to my heart’s content. Since I judge my worth based on things I get done, I feel good after Hyperfocus GSD weeks. Pride in accomplishment!
(Anti-)Social Butterfly
This mode is least common, but sometimes I get lonely and do not want to be on my own at home. My inner extrovert requires company. I become a social butterfly and choose to attend functions, seek conversations, and go out into the world to events.
Doesn’t sound much like me, does it? Unfortunately, my neighbors and acquaintances pretty much only see me in this mode.
Usually when I hit Butterfly mode, I am delighted to be with people and I overcommit myself to future events. Then later I become the Anti-Social Butterfly and either cancel and earn a reputation as a flake, or force myself to go through with whatever I agreed to. Regret and shame. Ick.
(Anti-)Social Butterfly mode needs some adjustments.
Napping Hermit
This is for sure the mode I dislike the most, but somehow frequently end up in. As a Napping Hermit, nothing motivates me to action. I will eat whatever’s in the pantry to avoid having to drive to the store. I consume passive activities and brainrot.
I notice every ache and pain. I feel my irregular heartbeats. My body’s minor troubles become excuses to nap more or to stay home. My anxiety rises. There are ghostly noises everywhere. Intrusive thoughts. I feel numb, slow, and foggy.
I break every promise to myself. I say I’ll GSD, and then…nope. I try to work up enthusiasm for a salad, but then I eat chocolate. I skip normal things like showering. I watch my self-imposed goals and deadlines approach and pass. Maybe I’ll try again later.
Napping Hermit leaves me feeling awful. It’s not “slowing down for self care” it’s more like “going on strike as self-sabotage”. This is what happens when I struggle with overwhelm and avoidance.
Balance
It’s all brain chemistry in action. It’s interesting to observe the external experience of my inner workings. It isn’t always easy to live it and difficult to control even when I intend to, but I can see what’s happening. I call myself out or give myself accommodation as needed.
Fortunately, most of the weeks I spend alone will shift day by day between the three modes with just enough of each to keep the others in check.
And then Tod comes home. <3
